Thursday, 8 October 2009

The beast with five fingers, one of them swollen. . .


My hand has been my enemy for some weeks now. It hurts. It makes writing a pain. I went to the doctors this week to see what she had to say. I had self-diagnosed the problem as being RSI of some kind, but it was getting worse and I had begun to fear it might be something more serious. The middle joint in my forefinger is swollen and I can no longer form a fist.

Not that I'm planning to punch anyone, you understand.

My fears were confirmed when the doctor said it might be osteoarthritis. It is only a might as yet. I went to have my hands x-rayed today to check. The results will be with my doctor tomorrow.

I also spoke to the doctor about by deviated septum. In my nose. The bit of cartilage that separates your nostrils. Well, I have a crooked one. It means one of my nostrils is basically permanently shut, or as good as. This makes me me surprisingly bad at breathing. And yet, ironically, surprisingly good at snoring.

The doctor said that the Ear, Nose and Throat surgeons could do something about that. They would basically break my nose and reset it, so that it was straight. Quite how they break it was left hanging there. Do they have a special surgical hammer?

Or do they just call a porter who has a good right hook?

We are The Glums in this house at the moment. My wife is in constant pain with a frozen shoulder, my son had a brace fitted today and has face ache and I am wincing as I type and looking forward to a surgical head butt. It doesn't seem fair.

Our mood was not helped by viewing a house for the first time in ages. Bidders had already put in offers above the asking price before we even saw it and the tedious business of trying to extract the truth from the spin was as tiresome as ever. The agent described the garden as 'south-ish'-facing. My wife pointed out that it was actually north-facing. The agent then explained that though that was undoubtedly true, if you walked to the bottom of the garden it was in essence south-facing.

If you turned round and faced the house.

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